If there were three tenets holding up a successful marriage, they would probably be care, compromise and… separate bathrooms. Of these, compromise in marriage tends to be the most controversial simply because it often involves meeting your spouse halfway or giving up a little of exactly what you want.
Now, you could cross your arms, pout and say, “Marriage is not about compromise.” But in all honesty, most relationships, marriage or not, rely on a give-and-take equation rather than one person giving up everything and the other getting their way all the time.
# Be clear about your needs
One of the best examples of compromise in a relationship is to acknowledge and articulate your needs in a healthy and loving manner. Now, we all have our own needs in a marriage and often, we expect our partner to be a mind reader and know exactly how we’re feeling and what we need at any given point in time.
Remember, your partner is human, as are you, and thus cannot read your thoughts or your critical emotional needs in a relationship. Also, let’s not forget that as we grow and evolve as individuals, our needs and desires in terms of what we want and expect in a relationship and marriage, also change.
# Be respectful of each other’s boundaries
We love healthy relationship boundaries and love learning how to lay them down in a loving and respectful manner. When you’re trying to compromise in a marriage, boundaries play a major role in knowing each other and also knowing when to push and when to take a step back.
Don’t wait till the ink dries on your marriage certificate to have healthy and clear boundaries. At the beginning of a relationship, people often try to impress each other at the cost of their values and belief systems. Then, once they’re married or in a committed relationship, there’s a sudden shift and they start strongly holding on to what they believe in.
# Understand your spouse is a person in their own right
Yes, we know what all the movies say. Marriage means two become one. True soulmates match and understand each other perfectly, etc etc. But we’ve got news for you. No matter how much you love each other or how perfectly you’re matched, you’re still two separate, different people who came together, hopefully with realistic relationship expectations. You’re still bringing certain unique qualities to the marriage. And that needs to be respected and celebrated.
# Listen when your spouse talks, even when you don’t agree
My wife and I have a rule when we argue. We pretend it’s a timed debate and we give each other 3-5 minutes to lay out our side of the case. That way, both of us get to speak and each of us has to listen to the other. Also, this means, we actually have to be thoughtful and not just scream at each other, speaking of how he and his wife have evolved a functional system of compromise in their marriage that works even in some of their most unpleasant moments.
# Work out your non-negotiables
This is possibly my favorite relationship lesson of all time, mostly because it allows me to really dig deep and discover things that I consider absolutely sacred. My partner needs plenty of time in the great outdoors while I need lots of couch and TV/reading/podcast time. We love hanging out, but how we spend our downtime is a big part of us as individuals and as partners.
# Plan vacations fairly
This might sound oddly specific, but bear with me. In our hugely busy, overworked lives, days off and weeks where you both have time off are rare and thus must be cherished. Shared vacations are hugely important – you get couple time without the everyday distractions of household chores and other work. Maybe you even plan a little getaway for just the two of you, away from the kids.